


Into My Arms

by Midnight_w0nder



Series: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow [2]
Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Auguste (Captive Prince) Lives, Childhood Trauma, Damen is still a vet, Emotional Growth, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Laurent is now a horse girl, Laurent loves Damen, Laurent runs a horse rescue, Laurent talks about his feelings, Laurent unpacks his trauma, M/M, Nicaise is a wee shit, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Damen, Whump, they just love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:13:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25901131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midnight_w0nder/pseuds/Midnight_w0nder
Summary: Laurent has finally began to set up a life for himself with Damen, a good life and he is happy. Except you can only run for so long. Set four years after WYSLMT, we see Laurent being confronted with old demons and gaining some new ones along the way.((This is a follow on from the first part of this series, Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow, so recommended you read it first!))
Relationships: Auguste & Damen (Captive Prince), Auguste & Laurent & Nicaise (Captive Prince), Auguste/Marianne (OC), Damen/Laurent (Captive Prince), Laurent & Nicaise (Captive Prince)
Series: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1876936
Comments: 18
Kudos: 58





	1. Comet

**Author's Note:**

> I'm backkkkkkk

> ' _Both to each burn a candle for you_  
>  _To make bright and clear your path_  
>  _And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love_  
>  _And guide you into my arm_ s' - Nick Cave 

Laurent landed with a soft _oof_ as he felt the wind be knocked out from inside him. He instinctively rolled onto his side and into a ball as he heard the faint sound of the horse cantering off across the arena, seemingly unaware that Laurent had been launched from his back and was no longer in the saddle. He remained still, just lying on the arena and taking a few deep breaths but then felt a hand on him.

"Slowly, have you broken anything?" a calm voice asked in French and Laurent opened his eyes, rolling them at the worried face that greeted him.

"I am fine, Damen" 

"That was quite the fall you had," his boyfriend said, guiding Laurent into an upright position. "But, I'm glad Comet lives up to his name" he chuckled, nodding towards the little dun pony who was bucking and zig-zaging across the arena indeed like a comet falling through space, without purpose or destination. 

Laurent simply sighed. This was the sixth day Comet had successfully dismantled a rider. The first three days Laurent had simply put it down that his staff were useless and should he need anything he would just do it himself. The fourth and fifth day however, Marianne had ridden him and Laurent knew his brothers wife could ride. And she was off within minutes. 

And so, Laurent finally gave and got onto the pony only to be bucked off. Maybe, Laurent thought, he should just put Damen on him. He was too big to be thrown off the little devil. 

"I'm fine. Do you not have work?"

"I just saw you get floored by a pony from an angle that looked like you had been trampled, and then you didn't get up," he said, standing and guiding Laurent with him. Slowly and tenderly. Laurent had grown to love having Damen on site when he was riding the more... excitable rescues. He loved staggering into the cottage, with his aching joints to have Damen wrap him in a blanket and give him some stew while he rubbed his shoulders.

While Laurent missed dancing, this life he had created for himself here. He loved rolling out of bed, standing by his window and seeing the fields filled with horses that he had rescued and retrained. His little pocket of heaven. The Mayfly Centre, that was what Laurent had named it. Occasionally, he would give lectures or seminars to the local ballet troop, he would sit in on rehearsals or offer privates but his rescue centre had became the focus of his time.

Damen continued to work with Auguste, though he had cut back on days to spend time helping Laurent in the yard. Damen wasn't as useless with horses as Laurent had thought, in fact he was a natural. And so Damen had Blaze, a big sturdy draft horse that Damen still made look small, and Laurent had Pig, a sleek ex-race horse who was training to be a jumper and together they rode out or swam the horses. Damen would lunge while Laurent rode, Damen would fix the fences while Laurent got the stables ready. 

Laurent was happy. 

He brushed himself off and looked at Damen, taking his hand. "I'm going to try him again later"

"Wait until I'm here so I can stand in the arena?"

"You can lead him, hold him so he can't run off. That sounds like a good plan," Laurent murmured, catching Comet and leading him out into the court yard were Jord was already waiting. "Just untack him, brush him down and turn him out into the round pen," he said, passing Jord the pony's reins. Jord nodded, taking Comet and walking on. Laurent watched them, crossing his arms. "See, he has perfect manners on the ground. But the minute you get on his back-"

"He throws you off. I see. He's not bad mannered either, darling. Compared to Pig, he has great manners."

"You just hate Pig because he bit you," Laurent smiled, walking Damen to his car and resting against the side of it. "What time will you be home?"

"Around six, I've a surgery to do. Then some check ups, and then I'll be home," he said, resting an arm next to Laurent so he could lean in and kiss him gently. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I'm going to ride Rosie and then Dexter. Then I have the youth group coming"

"You do. And I'm so proud of you for opening up the stable yard for these kids, it's really great. But if it gets too much-"

"I can ask them to leave and text you"

"Yeah. Great. Ok, I need to go and give a bunny an operation. I'll text you, OK? I love you," Damen said, kissing Laurent again and then once more just for luck. 

"I don't mind you" 

"Great" and then Damen was in his car and driving away. And Laurent was alone. 

~/~

Opening the doors to the Mayfly Centre had been Damen's idea. One night at dinner, Laurent was minding his own buisness when Damen showed him an article about the healing qualities that horses have for PTSD and trauma. 

"You know, I been chatting to this guy, Erasums, and he runs a local group for kids who.. who well, well-"

"Spit it out, Damen"

"Who have been abused; mentally, physically, or sexually"

"Like me," Laurent said, setting his book down to look at Damen and crossing his arms. "And so you want me to open the gates to these kids as a form of cross communities work to give them an opportunity they might never have again?" 

"Well when you say it like that-"

"No."

"Darling..."

"This is a serious place, Damen. These horses are rescues. They are already wilder than most normal horses, unpredictable, and it's just dangerous to let these children near them," Laurent stated. But when Laurent looked at Damen he sighed, he hated when Damen gave him the kicked puppy look. His boyfriend was sat opposite him and he shifted closer, opening his hand for Laurent to take. "Please?"

"No"

"Darling, think of the people you could be helping if you do this. People in the same situation," Damen said in that way that got under Laurent's skin. "Please?"

"Fine" Damen swooped Laurent up into his arms, hugging him and kissing his cheek. "I love you so much"

"Calm down, Damen"

"You're the best thing to ever happen to me"

"Alright"

"You have the most stunning hair"

"...Go on" 

~/~

And so, that was how Laurent found himself stood in front of a group of twenty kids with Jord standing next to him and holding Blue. Blue was by far the calmest and most relaxed horse that Laurent had at the yard. The wise old hacker had been given to Laurent when his owner had retired, no longer fit to ride the old horse but still came to visit. Laurent pointed to Blue's ears. "Horses communicate with you by their ears. They listen to everything you do. If their ears are pinned back, you've annoyed them. If they're pricked up and forward, they are alert, if they're like this, they are relaxed," Laurent explained.

"Horses have blind spots. Places they can't see because of were their ears are, and so you avoid these places. Always speak to a horse before you approach it, always let them become aware you are there." Laurent explained, making a soft noise and gently running a hand along Blue's neck before moving close. "Like so" 

"Alright kids, can everyone find a buddy? And we'll break up into groups. Some of you's are going into the arena with Laurent to learn about riding and some are going into the stables with Jord to learn about caring for a horse," Erasums explained, clapping his hands. 

"I advise you not to do that around other horses," Laurent muttered. Erasums dropped his hands instantly and Laurent heaved a deep sigh internally. Damn Damen for sweet talking him into this. 

Damn him and his fucking puppy eyes. 

Laurent took a breath and grabbed the lunge whip when he spotted a head with brown curls bolting off from the group and that just made Laurent's day. He didn't have time for kids to run away and get injured. Laurent gave the rope to Jord, "I'll be back," he murmured, following this runaway child. He wasn't going to say anything, he watched as the child walked along the stables, just exploring and then stopping when he saw Comet. Laurent still didn't say anything. He remained silent, watching the child walk over and picking fist fulls of grass and-

"I know you're watching me," the child said in perfect French. "It's rude to stare and not say anything"

"Its rude to leave a group after you have been told to pick a buddy. And you have received specific instruction not to walk off, and yet here we are"

"Go suck a dick"

"I did. Last night. My boyfriend said I did a delightful job, that insult won't work with me," Laurent responded lazily, examining his nails and then sitting on the upturned bucket. "What is your name?"

"None of your business"

"Did your mother fall out with your father when you were born to come up with such a name? I imagine its hard to find a keyring with that on it. I am Laurent. Since you seem so keen on acting the adult, you should do the proper thing and introduce yourself"

"I was told not to talk to strangers"

"I'm not a stranger though. You're going to be attending my yard for six sessions. Now if I was my boyfriend, he would be considered a stranger"

"You're gay?"

"Apparently, or else I've been lying to myself for an awfully long time. This is getting boring now. I am Laurent D'Vere-"

"Auguste's brother?" Laurent stopped at that, looking at Nicaise and nodding slowly. "Yes"

"He fixed my mother's goat"

"Oh?"

"I am Nicaise" 

"It is nice to meet you, Nicaise. Thank you for introducing yourself. Now, shall we go back to the group?"

"What's wrong with this one?"

"I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet"

"I imagine he's lonely. You've separated him from his friends. I don't think he likes it, I know I wouldn't" Nicaise said, shrugging and walking off back to the group. Laurent watched him then looked back at Comet who was indeed standing by the fence line and looking at the other horses grazing. "Yes, I suppose you're quite right..." Laurent murmured. 

~/~

Once the group had left, Laurent stood in the arena with Damen holding Comet firmly as Laurent climbed onto his back slowly and then landing softly on the saddle. Comet jerked forward but nothing dramatic yet. Laurent ran a hand along his neck, talking softly as he collected up the reins and then Comet was off, his head between his front legs and bolting off. Laurent fought hard, trying to get Comet's head up but the pony was stronger. Damen had tried to hold on but had let go to prevent injury and so, with a sigh, Laurent threw himself off and rolled. He stood up almost instantly and watched as Comet cantered on merrily. 

"I'm sorry, I tried to hold on, but if I did he would've gotten-"

"It's alright. I'm alright," Laurent soothed, touching Damen's cheek gently. "I'm OK. Why don't you go get dinner ready while I finish up here?"

"Are you sure you're OK?" 

"I'm fine," Laurent said, kissing him gently then walking on to catch the pony. He lead him and this time instead of putting him in the round pen, he let him loose with the other horses to see if Nicaise's theory was right. 

Laurent couldn't help but deny that he was curious about the boy. He clearly had been abused, but Laurent didn't know to what extent. He reminded him a lot of himself when he had been little, desperate for his uncles attention. Desperate to seem like an adult, instead of just being a child. 

Desperate to be validated. 

Laurent sighed, rubbing his temples and walking back into the kitchen. He did not know how these next six sessions would go, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't even the littlest bit curious.


	2. Dogwood Blossom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dogwood Blossom: Often used as symbols of rebirth. However, dogwood flowers are also connected to durability and the ability to withstand various challenges in life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW. This chapter gets very intense, Laurent is struggling with his mental health and is being haunted his ghosts. So just proceed with caution please and take care of yourselves.

> ' _ You see yourself as a child and it brings you to tears _
> 
> _ You say that you're troubled and you always have been _
> 
> _ Uncomfortable in your own skin _
> 
> _ So you contemplate the riverbed _
> 
> _ Turn off the dark thoughts in your head _ ' - Fionn Regan 

He stood at the door, his expression unnaturally kind. "Did you have a nightmare, little one?" Laurent looked up from his chair and nodded slowly, still hugging his blanket tight and cuddling his little horse. "Ah, there there, come here, Laurent. Let your uncle take care of you," his uncle soothed, walking over and brushing a hand over Laurent's head and threw his hair. "I will take care of you, Laurent. No one loves you but I. No one could love you. But fret not, come, let's go to my rooms and you can take care of your uncle, I have had such a long day..." and no matter how hard Laurent fought, he could not stop himself from following. 

~/~

Laurent woke gasping for air, his hand around his throat. He threw the blanket back and swung his legs off the bed, trying to stagger to the bathroom but his knees didn't cooperate and Laurent landed with a faint thud. And then the smell of vomit stung his nostrils as he retched, heaving up whatever was in his stomach and gasping for breath. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder and instinctively he tried to fight it off, tried to hit and scratch and claw. "Darling, it's me. It's me. Dear heart it's me," Laurent listened, then his brain registered it was Damen. Damen was here. Laurent let himself sag slightly, and then he felt Damen supporting him to an upright position. 

"I need... Need the light on"

"Alright, I'll do that," Damen soothed, turning on the soft lamp that they had gotten for exactly this reason. The faint orange glow was bright enough that Laurent could become familiar with his surroundings again. "There we go, see? Can you tell me five things you see, darling?" Laurent tried speaking but his breaths were too quick, he felt his hand be moved to Damen's chest. "Nice and easy, deep breaths. Breathe in with me, good. Good. And exhale, and again... perfect. I see the bed, and your reading chair, and the window, and the bookcase, and the drawers. Do you want to add to the list?" 

"I see the lamp, and the painting you bought me of- of-"

"Of Pig, that's it. Do you hear anything? I think I can hear the leaking faucet in the bathroom, and I can hear the wind"

"I can hear Pig outside the window"

"That's it," Damen soothed, crawling closer to him and holding his hands open for Laurent to see them. "Contact or no?"

"No. No please, please-"

"OK, darling you're OK. I won't touch you. You need to get up though, darling and change into fresh clothes. You vomited over these ones," Laurent nodded, standing up numbly and staggering into the little ensuite they had and sitting on the toilet. Damen followed, setting a fresh pair on the bath ledge then helping Laurent remove his top and then his shorts and helping him get changed into the new set. 

"There. Do you want to go back to bed now?" Laurent shook his head and Damen stepped out, getting Laurent his slippers and helping him get them on. "We'll go sit in the living room then. You can get caught up on your Masterclass series and I'll probably nap. We're going to walk down to the living room now, darling. OK?"

"Ok"

"Good, I'm going to make you some hot milk and cookies, good?"

"Good" Damen nodded, helping Laurent up and walking him to their living room. 

~/~

Damen sat and stared at the computer screen, the haze of sleep making everything blurry and the brightness stung his eyes. He was exhausted. This was the third night in a row Laurent hadn't slept and of course if Laurent doesn't sleep, neither does Damen. 

"I've never seen you look quite so rough, Damen," Auguste hummed, sitting opposite him and giving him a large mug of coffee. "Is everything ok?" Dame simply sighed, burying his head into his hands. "I feel like a failure"

"In what aspect of your life?"

"I thought... I thought he was doing better," Damen whispered. "I thought he was happy." Auguste sighed, reaching over to give his hand a squeeze on Damen's shoulder. "Damen..."

"His nightmares are getting worse. And he just won't sleep. And then he's crying," Damen breathed, rubbing his face. "I feel like I'm failing him"

"You're not"

"He can't sleep, Auguste. He can't sleep. And it's killing me to see him falling apart, bit by bit," he sighed. Damen looked at the clock and stood up. "I might take a few days off to just be there. That new vet will be able to help you out?"

"She will. Don't worry, Damen. Just go and spend some time with him" Damen nodded, grabbing his back and coat then heading out. He had taken to cycling to the cottage, it wasn't that far from the clinic. It was far enough that he definitely gained a bit of a sweat but it kept him fit and he definitely needed to be fit to keep up with Laurent and his horses. 

Damen sighed, cycling along the lane and looking out into the field. He saw Jord lunging Rolo, the bay horse cantering a tidy circle. He saw the fields filled with the rescues grazing merrily. They had built a good life for themselves, a little pocket of heaven. 

But why now were things starting to go down hill? 

Damen huffed, propping his bike against the fence and walking into the house. It was two o'clock, Laurent usually settled for his afternoon coffee now before schooling his jumpers. But the house was strangely quiet. Damen walked in slowly, "Darling?" Damen called, pushing the living room door open, no one was there. He frowned deeper, going into the kitchen and his heart stopped. Laurent was sitting on the floor, surrounded by broken glass and his hands bleeding.

"Darling..."

"I broke the glass," he whispered. "I was washing it and it slipped and smashed so I tried to pick it up"

"With your bare hands?" Damen asked and Laurent didn't respond. Damen took a deep breath, setting his bags down and guiding Laurent to the table, getting out the first aid kid and starting to clean it. "It won't need stitches. Thankfully. Just going to sting" 

"I didn't feel it" Damen swallowed, there was so much he wanted to say to that. Why didn't you feel it? Why did you do it? Was this intentional? Did you want to bleed? Did you want to hurt yourself?

"You're-"

"Do not even  _ think  _ of saying I'm alright, Damen. Because I am quite clearly, not," Laurent hissed. Damen nodded, dabbing the wipe along the worst of the cut. "This will sting"

"Alright" 

"I'm sorry"

"Don't start with apologies, please. I did this to myself," Laurent muttered, flinching as the cut stung a little. "I should- should be the one who apologies" 

"You really don't have too"

"I'm aware I've not quite been myself recently. And it's starting to affect you"

"Darling-"

"I'm not finished Damen. It's affecting you. That wasn't my intention." Damen could see the pain in Laurent's eyes while he said this, having to admit that he was not in control and he needed help. 

"Do you remember what I said in Paris? I will stand by you. I will always be there for you. Through thick and thin"

"I'm not use to having someone there for me"

"I know. I know that. I'm not going to force you to let me in either, but I will never be angry at you," Damen said gently, bringing Laurent's cut palm to his lips and kissing it softly. "I love you. No alternative motive. I love you. Genuinely and wholeheartedly" Laurent nodded, pressing his head to Damens and taking a deep breath. 

"Thank you"

"You're welcome. I'm here for you, darling. And I will always be here for you" 

"I think I need to see a therapist," he whispered. Damen took another deep breath, moving closer to Laurent so they could touch without strain. 

"If that's what you think you need, then I will support you. I don't know how to help you deal with these things. I can't pretend I'm an expert here because I'm not. I am just a vet, and just someone who loves you and wants what is best. I do not know your pain. I only know the things you tell me," Damen said calmly, taking Laurent's hands into his own gently. "If I could, I would take all your pain away this instant. I would. I would take it all away, but I can't. I can only be here to support you and love you," Damen paused and took a breath. "I will always be by your side, Laurent. There is no part of you I am scared off, though they may scare you. They do not scare me. Will you let me in to help?"

"I will try"

"That's all I ask. And if you can't do it, we'll try again tomorrow. And next week. And next month. We'll try again until we get it right, or as right as we can make this"

"Why do you love me?"

"Why does the sun rise in the morning? Because it knows nothing else, but to rise every morning and bring warmth to the world. Why does the moon shine in the night? Because it knows nothing else but to go into the night and guide those who need it. Why do I love you? Because I know nothing else, except my life before you and my life with you. And I _love_ you. I cannot explain it, because I think if I was to explain it, I could never stop," Damen breathed, pressing his head to Laurents. He heard Laurent sniff, and at this point he knew that Laurent liked not to be looked at when he cried, so Damen did not look, he just sat next to him and let him feel his presence. "I am here, darling. My dearest heart, who knows your courage better than I?"

"I do not deserve you"

"You do. You deserve all the goodness in the world. For I have given you my heart, and you have treated it tenderly"

"Damen... I think, I think I love you" Damen swallowed, closing his eyes. Four years, they had been together. And four years when Damen said that he loved Laurent, he never got a response. 

Until now. 

Damen took a deep breath and pulled Laurent against him, they fitted together so _perfectly_. "I am so proud of you. And I love you too" 

"You don't hate me?"

"I never could hate you. I am proud of you for recognising that this is out of your control now, and that you need outside help. I am proud of you for talking to me about it instead of locking yourself away. I am proud of you, for being you. Always."

"Thank you". 

~/~

Laurent had rang Auguste after that, he had sat on the phone for a few hours, talking to his brother about what to do. Auguste had listened with his never changing calmness, listening and agreeing and supporting him. He had said this was the difference now, was that Laurent did not have to revisit this pain alone. That he was _not_ alone. 

He was surrounded with a support system. 

And he could over come this, and yes it would be painful and long, but he did not have to do this alone anymore. 

Laurent sighed, stepping out of the house onto the decking and lighting his cigarette. Damen had went off to shower, and prepare dinner while Laurent finished up with the horses but Laurent was not expecting to see Nicaise standing by Comet again, aimlessly stroking the horse. Laurent grabbed his boots, pulling them on and striding over to Nicaise, ready to shout but then he saw the bruised wrists and his anger died quicker than a flame under water. He stood by the fence, inhaling the smoke then puffing it out. 

"You should wear boots, not trainers. If he stands on you, it'll hurt" 

"So?"

"So, if you get hurt, you'll be more nervous around him"

"I'm not scared of anything," Nicaise said triumphantly, throwing his head back. "My uncle says I'm the cleverest and most beautiful person he knows, and I'm so mature for my age" 

Laurent felt his heart stutter. He shifted and nodded. "My uncle said the same thing"

"Where is your uncle now?"

"I don't know," he said quietly. 

"Do you not miss him? My uncle is my favourite person in the whole world. I would be sad if he left."

"Nicaise..." Laurent whispered, but how could he even start this conversation? Laurent looked at Comet and then hummed, "If I get you a pair of boots, will you come to my yard every time your uncle wants to see you?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Because I have a challenge for you" Nicaise looked up at him now, his hands finally stopped playing with Comet's mane and he crossed his arms. 

"What's your challenge then?"

"No one can ride Comet. But I think he likes you. So my challenge is this, I want you to ride him." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't intend for this chapter to get so heavy. But it did.   
> So, sorry not sorry?   
> New chapter coming tomorrow possibly! Leave your comments and thoughts xx


	3. Some things last a long time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things last a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my darlings, I just want to say how over whelmed I've been by the comments for this series. I read every single one, and while I might not reply, I do see them and tell my dog about them. I didn't think I would get this response and this has given me a lot of confidence I had been lacking and I really love each and every one of you!   
> All conversations with Nicaise and Laurent are in French!

> ' _And it's true, but it's not funny_
> 
> _Time comes and goes, but all the while_  
>  _I still think of you_  
>  _Some things last a long time_ ' - Daniel Johnson 

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Where you not the one who said for me to open the gates for the group?”

“Yes but-“

“And you said make them feel welcome”

“I know but-“

“I’m hearing an awful lot of buts for something that was your idea”

“Nicaise has never ridden a horse. So you’re putting him on Comet”

“Comet likes him” 

“Comet likes _everyone_ ,” Damen sighed, looking at Laurent then back at the computer screen. Laurent had put together a bag of jodhpurs, gloves and a polo shirt. It had started off as boots, they had plenty lying around. Then Laurent decided to get Nicaise a full out fit. 

Damen would by lying if he said this was a good idea. But Laurent had his mind set and he very rarely could change that. He  often thought of that dream, were they were kings. He wondered how Laurent would be. Would he be a kind king? A fair king?

He didn’t know. But he did know he didn’t like this idea. Damen shifted closer so that he was sitting next to Laurent. "I mean, darling look at how much money you're spending" Laurent glared at him and while holding eye contact, clicked the purchase button. 

Damen sighed loudly, counting to fifty in Greek. "Please, darling"

"I don't see why it's an issue"

"I'm just asking you to be sensible"

"I _am_ being sensible! What, do you want to control what I buy now?"

"No. I am not saying that"

"It's my money, I can do what I want with it and I want to buy Nicaise some riding gear," Laurent said firmly. Damen hated when Laurent got defensive. He hated how easily he could be on the attack, ready to go at Damen over little things.

Like money. Like leaving the dishes. Like giving his opinion. Like food. 

Laurent could be brutal. He could be cruel and not think twice, and then get angrier at himself when he saw that he had upset Damen. It was an ongoing battle, constantly uphill and some days, Damen was drained. 

Some days Damen just wanted to sit in silence and not argue. 

But then Laurent would bring him a coffee, or some cake, or give him one of his expensive French biscuits and touch his wrist and Damen knew, that they were ok. 

It didn't mean though that it still didn't hurt. When Laurent screamed and roared and fought like a storm. It didn't mean it didn't hurt when Laurent was so wholly consumed by his pain that he hid and cried. He was unwrapping himself slowly to Damen, and Damen could see him trying, however some things last a long time. And Laurent's need to survive, by whatever means, had been ingrained in him longer than their relationship had been.

"Can you just explain to me why you are so determined about this?"

"He has potential. I can see it. He has..."

"Take your time," Damen soothed, touching his hand. Laurent held onto it, playing with Damen's fingers. "He has a natural feel. I just know. I know this is the right thing to do. I know it"

"Ok. And you'll take responsibility for this?"

"All of it"

"OK. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll listen." Laurent looked at him then down at his laptop, swallowing hard. "When my uncle, did what he did. I just wanted someone to make me feel important. And to..."

"To notice you?" Damen finished gently. Laurent sniffed and nodded then pulled himself back, his entire body language shifting.

"It's stupid. I'm being stupid"

"You're not being stupid. You see yourself in Nicaise, and you want to do for him what you wished someone did for you. That's not stupid, darling. That makes you a good person. That makes you, and a kind person. And I am proud of you," Damen said quietly, reaching over to kiss Laurent's knuckles. "You're doing a good thing. A really, really good thing, darling. But I just want you to approach this with caution, I don't want the risk of Nicaise getting hurt. Do you understand where I'm going from?"

"Yes. I do"

"OK. Good. I'm not saying these things to put you down"

"I know"

"I just want you and Nicaise to be careful"

"We will"

"OK. He's coming by soon, right? Why don't you make some food for him, sound good?" Laurent nodded, standing up and hesitating then quietly. "I love you"

"I love you too," Damen responded, his heart still doing a flutter when Laurent said those words. 

~/~

Since Laurent had last saw him, apparently Nicaise had begun smoking. Laurent stood on the porch, arms crossed at the mess of curls standing in front of him in a t-shirt that was too big, torn jeans and his riding boots and smoking a cigarette. 

"Smoking?"

"All the adults do it. My uncle said if I want to seem mature I should do what the adults do," Nicaise said simply. He spoke French to Laurent, so perfect that Laurent could almost convince himself he was back in France. He raised his eyebrow, "I do not agree"

"Well my uncle is smarter than you"

"Is that so?"

"He is smarter than anyone I know."

"Good for him. I'm going to bring Comet in and you're going to brush him so put the cigarette out"

"You smoke, so you can't say anything."

"I do smoke. But that is because I am an adult."

"I _am_ an-"

"No, Nicaise. You are not. You are still a child," Laurent said, walking down the steps so he was in front of Nicaise. "Stop the smoking. It's not good for you"

"Its not good for you either"

"I know. Damen has lectured me about that already," Laurent responded, walking on. Nicaise followed like a puppy, running after him. 

"Is Damen your boyfriend?"

"He is."

"Can I meet him?"

"You'll meet him at lunch. Stand here. Don't come into the field with me"

"Why?"

"Because my horse is in here, and he's scary" and Laurent's response was some mutterings under Nicaise's breath that he choose to ignore. 

Pig was a grand horse, out of all the ones in the rescue, Pig was his absolute favourite ( ~~not because Pig was _his_ horse. Not at all~~). Pig stood around 17hh, his body sleek with muscle and grace. His grey coat practically glowed in the summer months.

And Pig was _his_. Pig was his horse. His pride. And Laurent loved every inch of the horse. Every scar, every burn, every patch of rough skin and ripped out mane, Laurent adored him. 

Pig snorted when he saw Laurent, trotting over and throwing his head around with excitement, and yet Laurent felt no fear. He simply held up his arm, "Hoooo, ho pretty boy. Easy," Laurent soothed, running his hand along Pig's neck. "Alright my gorgeous one. There, there my sweet prince," he smiled, scratching the horses itchy spot. Pig in return scratched his head against Laurent, lovingly. 

"He's not scary. He's a push over," Nicaise called from the gate making Laurent roll his eyes. Children really could be bratty.

"I'll put you on him if you keep having an attitude," Laurent called back, catching Pig and then Comet and leading the two back. "Can you open the gate for me please?" 

"No."

"Nicaise, I am currently leading two horses. You are standing there, doing nothing. It is respectful to do as you are asked"

"What do I get out of it?"

"Your pony. If you don't, I'll simply put him back and you can watch me ride Pig all alone." Nicaise looked at him, not shifting making Laurent raise his eyebrow. "I'm not joking, Nicaise. I will put Comet back and I will ride all day and make you shovel shit" Laurent said, not breaking eye contact and then Nicaise opened the gate, "Thank you. Now stand back, keep a safe distance. If I give you Comet, do you think you will be able to lead him?" he asked and Nicaise nodded hesitantly, opening his hand. "See, do not be nervous. He can sense it. Be confident. All you have to do is walk him to the arena and I will be next to you, there. That's it," Laurent smiled, watching as Nicaise lead Comet who trotted along. Pig on the other hand, took a tantrum. He bounced on the spot, throwing his head back and rearing up, throwing his legs. Laurent stepped back, relaxing the rope and running his hand along Pig's neck. "Stop, stop it. Stop showing off"

"Are you not scared?" Nicaise asked, looking at them from the fence. Comet was contently resting his head on Nicaise's shoulder, his eyes half closed while Pig took his tantrum. Laurent shook his head, staying out of kicking distance. "No. Because I know he won't hurt me. He's excited. Do you never feel so excited you just want to jump around and shout and tell everyone?" hesitantly, Nicaise nodded. "It's OK to admit it. Its good. I get that way too"

"What makes you excited?"

"One day, Damen got me a very special book. It was a collectable edition, and I was so excited I didn't know what to do with myself"

"What was the book?"

"Black Beauty," he smiled, leading Pig on once he had calmed. The horse trotted next to him and stood perfectly still as Laurent tied him up, walking over to get a bag of brushes and giving Nicaise a body brush. "Now you brush him, but you go with the hair, not against" he lifted another one and demonstrated. "Like so, horses love it when you brush them. Its bonding"

"Why would I want to bond with him?"

"So he trusts you, and that's what you want. You want him to trust you," Laurent explained, turning and beginning to brush Pig but keeping an eye on Nicaise who soon found the rhythm and brushed all the dried mud off Comet until his coat seemed to shine in the sun. Laurent finished up with Pig then ran a hand over Comet, "Well done. Brushing lets you feel as well if they have any cuts or bumps, copy me. Run your hand along his neck, like so... good. Feel how smooth he is? You did that," Laurent said gently, "Will you stand here while I get your tack?" Nicaise nodded, still running his hand along Comet's neck. 

Laurent turned, walking over to grab the saddle and bridle then stopping on his way back. Nicaise had his head pressed to Comets neck, and the cob had his neck arched around Nicaise protectively, a secret embrace, a silent conversation that he would not interrupt just get. Laurent stood still then glanced at the window and saw Damen watching and Laurent could just tell his boyfriend was gushing. 

Affectionately, Laurent rolled his eyes and then walked on as if he hadn't seen anything. 

"Now, this is the saddle and bridle. The saddle goes on their back and the bridle goes on their heads, like so," Laurent said, showing Nicaise how it was done. "You do this strap up, the girth, tight so your saddle doesn't slip when you are riding. Do you want to try?" Laurent asked, looking at the younger. Nicaise nodded and so Laurent untacked him and held the saddle for Nicaise. He watched as Nicaise lifted it, checking the withers and then doing the strap.

"Perfect. I'm going to lunge Comet before you get on to just make sure he's not too fresh, alright?"

"Alright"

"You can stand with me, in the arena"

"What about Pig?"

"Pig likes to watch, he won't do anything. Jord will give him a hay-net and he'll just watch," Laurent opened the gate, leading Comet into the arena and then walking to the centre. "Stand beside me, Nicaise. I'm going to lunge him on a circle, and it can be a bit dizzy the first time you do it"

"What are you going to do?"

"Warm him up just and let him burn out any energy he has so he's behaved when you get on him," he explained, clicking his tongue. Comet trotted out, and Laurent let the line slip through his hands until there was a stretch, bringing Comet onto the circle. Out of all the pony's, Comet had strangely the most manners on the ground, always perfect when lunging, moving through his gaits between walk to trot and canter without objection, holding himself well. Laurent spoke to him the whole time, little clicks of encouragement and soft 'whoa' when he got too strong or eager. 

After twenty minutes, he pulled him into the centre and looked at Nicaise, "Your helmet will protect your head. You don't need to be scared"

"You don't ride with a helmet"

"No. But I ride new ones with one. I don't wear one with Pig"

"Why?"

"Because I know him. He is part of me," he explained softly, tapping Nicaise's knee. "Bend this back and on the count of three jump. One... two.... three," Laurent legged Nicaise up onto Comet's back. And for a moment, Laurent thought that Comet would not react, and he would behave. 

But then Comet bucked, once and then twice. And then Nicaise was on the ground. 

~/~

Laurent sat on the steps next to Nicaise, sipping his coffee while Nicaise drank his juice (from a wine glass, because he was an adult). Laurent watched as Comet trotted around his field happily, his head in the air and tail swinging. "Can I try to ride someone else?" Nicaise asked quietly. 

"Of course, I can let you ride Blue" Nicaise nodded, still looking at his bruised knees. Nicaise had landed with a thud, and Laurent didn't think twice, dropping the line and hurrying over to him but when he got down next to Nicaise, the boy was grinning ear to ear. "I want to do that again!" He exclaimed, the excitement practically humming off him. And after a few firm no's, Laurent managed to talk Nicaise out of it and instead helped him onto Pig who was perfectly calm, walking and trotting with Nicaise who grinned the entire time, telling Laurent to watch him. 

Laurent felt... proud. Nicaise had not been disheartened by his fall, and he still loved Comet. "He's scared," Nicaise had said. "He's scared. I feel it. He doesn't understand. It's like I scared him"

"Oh?"

"Yes. He hadn't been expecting it. And so he reacted. I'm not angry at him," he added. "He's just unique" and mentally, Laurent had made a note to get Auguste to come check Comet to see if perhaps he had difficulties with his spine. 

But Nicaise had rode Pig. He had gotten off and ran over to Damen, who had been watching, and told him all about it. Damen listened and grinned as well, nodding his head along with him. "Do you want to see Laurent ride? It's my favourite thing," Damen grinned. Nicaise climbed out of the arena and Laurent had got on Pig, working him through his paces and jumping him. When he finished, Nicaise was stood by the gate, his eyes wide with wonder and he said, "I want to be able to do that"

And so, Laurent now found himself sitting with the young boy, looking at the horses. "You can come whenever you want," he said. "As long as I'm here. I'll teach you"

"Will you?"

"Yes. I will" Laurent said, finishing his cigarette and standing up when he saw Erasums arriving for Nicaise. "I'll see you later"

"Can I... Can I hug you?" Nicaise asked hesitantly. The question caught Laurent off guard, but slowly he pulled Nicaise into a hug, protectively wrapping an arm around him. 

"I'll see you next week, Laurent."

"See you next week, Nicaise," then Nicaise was gone. The yard was silent again. 

~/~

That night in Laurent's nightmare, he was sat in the library. He could hear his uncle talking, he could hear somebody talking back. Then he recognised the voice. And no matter how much Laurent screamed and yelled, he could not stop Nicaise running to his uncle. 

It haunted him constantly.

That his uncle owned his dreams. That his uncle was there. No matter how hard he fought, he was there. 

Some things, it seemed, last along time. 

And so Laurent descended into darkness, still crying Nicaise's name. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry? :)


	4. Welly Boots and Chocolate Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Childhood memory: Running through the garden with welly boots on then sitting in the shed to eat chocolate cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW. Suicidal thoughts, depression, basically this is a rollarcoaster so proceed with caution :) 
> 
> //I wrote this while listening to really cheesy 00s, and it was something else tbh//

> ' _Don't feel bad for me_  
>  _I want you to know_  
>  _Deep in the cell of my heart_  
>  _I will feel so glad to go  
> _ _Sing me to sleep_ ' - The Smiths. 

Laurent was not well. Damen had stopped even trying to convince himself otherwise. He looked at his boyfriend who was sat in his arm chair by the window, wrapped in a dressing gown and hugging himself.

"Is there anything I can do?" Damen asked softly, walking over and sitting on the windowsill in front of Laurent. Laurent looked at him and then continued gazing out the window and shook his head. "No, I'm OK"

"You're not, Laurent. You are not OK" he whispered, swallowing and pressing his head to Laurent's. "Please let me call a doctor, or Auguste, or someone" Laurent remained silent and Damen felt ready to cry, and scream into the wind and the rain and kick something over because Laurent was not OK but he wouldn't speak. 

Damen just wanted to hear him laugh again.

He knew his nightmares had been out of control. Every night for the past week and a half, Damen woke to Laurent either screaming, crying or throwing up and more often than not, it was all three at once. Damen was exhausted but nowhere near as exhausted as Laurent. The bags under his eyes were deep and his eyes were glassy. He wasn't eating. He wasn't doing anything. He just sat with Pig and smoked. 

Damen was powerless. He just wanted to take the pain from him, all the pain he held inside and all the hurt he felt. Damen wanted to wipe it clean and just let Laurent live. 

He could see now that the youth group was a bad idea. That Laurent perhaps hadn't been ready for it. And now he was back to a bad place. 

Damen couldn't help but blame himself. "Why are you crying?" Laurent asked quietly, a hand going up to brush Damen's eyes softly. 

"I just want to help you," he breathed, pressing his forehead to Laurents and resting his hand on top of Laurent's and squeezing it. Laurent huffed out a breath, his thumb gently brushing back and forth. "Oh you stupid oaf. You have helped. I just, this is something that happens, and it's healthy. I never let myself feel these emotions before," Laurent explained. "I'll be OK"

"Please," Damen whispered. "Talk to me Laurent," he begged. Laurent nodded, shifting so Damen could share the seat.

"I have been struggling with my nightmares. I see Nicaise in them now, and he always leaves with my uncle. And I can't protect him," Laurent explained, closing his eyes. "I am so very tired, life feels a little bit too much right now. I would very much like to go to sleep for some time," he whispered. Damen nodded slowly, not saying anything and then Laurent continued. "I feel too much then nothing at all. I know I love you and I love Pig, but I think above all else, my heart is too tired. I had to fight for so long, I don't want to anymore" 

"I..." Damen took a deep breath and collected himself. "I'm going to get you some help, Laurent. We'll get through this together. You're not in this on your own" 

"I know, I have you" he whispered and then finally, he drifted off to sleep. Damen slowly shifted away, pressing a kiss to Laurents head and grabbing his phone, walking out the back to where Blaze and Pig lived, he pressed his phone to his ear, listening to it ring and then a simple. 

"Damen?" and then Damen let himself cry. 

~/~

Nikandros did not do drama. He lived a simple life. He enjoyed simple things and yet, out of all the people he could've choosen in the world he picked Damen to be his best friend and that was perhaps the worse choice he made. 

Because drama never seemed to fucking leave him alone. 

First there had been Jokaste, the sexy-psycho-witch. Then there had been Kastor and Jokaste and that drama, then Damen moved to England. And then Damen fell in love with Laurent. 

Nikandros just wanted to enjoy his holidays. He had booked himself a simple month long retreat in the mountains with some old friends and just have a good time.

A good time, that was all he wanted. A good, fucking, time. 

And then Damen rang him and he was sobbing down the phone, and so now Nikandros found himself driving to the fucking middle of nowhere to stay with Damen so he could have some emotional support that wasn't his boyfriends brother.

Nikandros just wanted his holiday. 

He hated a lot of things, but perhaps most of all, he hated psychotic blondes that Damen was just so _obsessed_ with dating. Nothing wrong with Claire or Klara or Una, nothing wrong with them. Nice simple girls from the town, with dark hair and lovely laugh. 

'But I just don't feel it. There's no connection,' Damen had confessed. 

'Having your balls in a vice while kissing you but blackmailing you is not a connection, you asshole,' Nikandros replied. 

But, Damen was still his best friend, his brother. And through thick and thin, they would be there for each other. 

And so Nikandros pulled into the drive way of the Mayfly Centre and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths and counting to twenty in Greek and then climbing out of the car and stood there then he saw the door opening, and Damen came barrelling out of the house, wrapping his arms around him and not hugging, but clinging onto him.

OK, so perhaps things were worse than Nikandros thought. 

"Alright, you goof. Alright," Nikandros said, patting Damen's shoulders to try and settle him. "Jesus, Damen. What the fuck have you got yourself into this time?"

"I don't think I've enough time to even begin to start that," Damen breathed, scrubbing his face. "I'm glad you're here, Nik. I just, there's so much and there's only Jord. I still need to work"

"Alright, what do you need me to do?"

"Can you clean stables?"

"Yes, Damen. Makedon was my uncle, not yours. And what did he have an endless amount of?"

"Horses"

"So can you imagine how I spent every summer?" Nikandros said, and then Damen grinned at him, nodding. "Sitting in his pool, drinking cocktails and flirting with Hester?"

"The bitch still won't return my calls," Nikandros grinned. Damen chuckled, shaking his head. 

"Just not interested in you, Nik. Can you blame her?"

"Fuck off. You're love history isn't exactly wholesome and fluffy bunnies? Makes Diana and Charls look healthy," he said, rolling his eyes and grabbing his bag from the back seat. "What sort of insanity am I walking in on, Damianos?" 

"Laurent is, he's just having a rough patch right now."

"There's a rough patch and there's a break down"

"He's having a break down"

"Right"

"And I could just use a little support," he explained, shifting his weight. Nikandros sighed, looking at Damen and the house then nodding. "Alright then. You have my support"

~/~

Laurent sat on the porch of the house, cigarette in hand as he watched Nikandros lunging Comet who apparently was not in a good mood today. The horse would swing, ducking his head and dropping his shoulders and kicking his legs out. Nikandros would growl at him, throwing the end of the line to chase him on.

"Be gentler!" Laurent shouted from his seat.

"If you're so fucking good, get down and do it yourself!" Nikandros called back and that usually made Laurent be quiet.

For ten minutes and then he would start again. Nikandros eventually grew bored, moving down to the lower end of the arena. 

"Where are you going?" Laurent yelled. 

"I can't hear you!" Nikandros yelled back, focusing on the horse and Laurent huffed, crossing his arms and sitting silently. Laurent didn't know how he felt about Damen's friend. He could see however, how having Nikandros had cheered him up. He would hear them talking at night in Greek, some nights he would hear Damen crying and other nights they just sat together. Laurent supposed they had a lot to catch up on.

Damen had explained that Nikandros and him had grew up in Greece together. They studied together, trained together. But then Nikandros's mother had cancer and suddenly they both had to grow up very quickly. Nikandros became the man of the house, and Damen chipped in when he could. 

"My parents owned a restaurant," he explained to Laurent. "So my mother sent Nikandros dishes, and my aunt would help Nikandros tidy. We were a community. Nobody was on their own." But then Nikandros's mother had died and his father didn't want him. So Nikandros moved in with his uncle, Makedon. Damen would spend the summers at Makedons yard, he never really rode the horses ('These horses, Laurent. They were beasts. Endurance racers mostly') and instead Damen took care of the yard as a groom, and assisted the vet. And then Damen got a scholarship to study in England, then he met Auguste. 

But Nikandros had travelled. He travelled from country to country, doing odd jobs, rotating between horses or kitchen staff. 

And so now, Laurent watched as Nikandros finished lunging Comet, giving him a friendly pat and leading the horse back to the gate. "What do I do with him now?" 

"You can just put him out in the field, I don't think Nicaise will be round today," Laurent stood up, hugging himself and walking over to see Comet, running his hand along the horses head with a soft smile. "You miss your friend, don't you?" he said gently.

"Is there anything else I can do?"

"You can lunge Dexter, then just help Jord finish the stables," Laurent said, wincing as he moved too fast. Nikandros reached an arm out, offering support. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Laurent said with a nod. His head was banging and his stomach ached. Most nights he had nothing to throw up, just emptiness, and that was now taking its affect on Laurent. His whole body just ached, and he was so tired. Nikandros raised an eyebrow, shaking his head.

"Damen wasn't lying about you"

"And what was that?"

"Stubborn as a donkey you are," he said, tilting his head. "Stubborn. Damen has a thing for stubborn blondes, are you psychotic?"

"Depends who you ask really" Laurent mused, taking the rope to walk Comet out to his field next to Pig. Laurent greeted his horse with a gentle pat, letting Comet loose then walking into the stable yard, checking the stables and then stopping when he found Nikandros.

"My brother is coming by to check Comet tomorrow, I need you to assist with that"

"Right"

"And then the farrier will be by the end of the week"

"OK"

"Thank you for coming, Nikandros. I know it means a lot to Damen"

"I suppose you're not too bad," Nik grinned, leaning his arms on the stable door. "You're just having a bit of a shit time right now"

"Yes, I suppose I am"

"What makes you happy?"

"What?"

"What makes you happy? Something is bound too. Damen use to love climbing trees, and make sand angels"

"It's snow angels"

"Yeah because Greece gets so much snow," Nikandros drawled, and he saw a ghost of a smile on Laurent. Perhaps this psycho blonde was not so bad. 

"Think about it, Laurent. Take a think about what makes you happy, and do it. Be gentle on yourself"

"What has Damen told you?"

"Nothing. Only you had a bit of a shit one growing up, but don't we all?" Nikandros asked, unlocking the door and wheeling the wheelbarrow out and looking at Laurent. "Shit things happen, but you have to look for the good things or else you burn yourself out. My mother died in my arms, but, I am grateful she died knowing I loved her. And so I do the things we did together to remember her and I feel happy," he explained, walking onto the next stable. "Think about it, don't hurt yourself thinking about it, but just try and do something. No matter how little it is," he called over his shoulder. Laurent hummed, walking back into the house and sitting quietly, thinking. Perhaps there was something...

~/~

It was quarter to twelve at night when Laurent woke Damen. But this time, it was not by crying or screaming, it was a gentle shake.

"Damen?"

"Mmm"

"Come on"

"What?" Damen asked, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. He saw Laurent climbing out of bed and getting out of the bed. He was fully dressed which made Damen frown. "Are we running away, dear lover?" he asked sleepily. 

"No. I was chatting to Nikandros earlier"

"Oh. Oh are you leaving me for Nik?"

"Yes." Laurent responded, dead pan and Damen grinned, climbing out of the bed and getting changed as well, still half asleep. Laurent lead him to the front door, pulling on his welly boots and pushing Damen over a pair. "Put yours on," he said. Damen raised his eye brow but did as instructed and then followed Laurent outside and frowning.

"Darling its raining"

"Exactly. Come on," he said, taking Damon's hand and tugging him out into the yard and to Damen's utter surprise, Laurent launched himself at a puddle of mud, splashing it everywhere. Damen looked at him, and waited. Waited for something.

He did not expect laughter. Laurent through his head back, jumping into the puddle again and stamping around in the mud. Damen stood still, watching then gasping when Laurent kicked the mud at him and soaking him. "Oh you _bastard_!" Damen yelped, kicking the water back and Laurent grinned, running around the yard in the rain, jumping into puddles and letting the rain soak him. And Damen had never adored the man in front of him more in his life. They spent hours running round, kicking and jumping then eventually they found themselves sitting on the wall in the shed, a chocolate cake between them.

"I love puddles," Laurent explained. "You can jump into them, you can kick and stomp and everything and yet they never leave a trace that you were ever there"

"Is that what you want? To leave no trace you existed?"

"Some days, yes. Some days I wish I could just fade away and be simply nothing," he whispered, feeding a piece of cake to Damen. "Some days I wish I could dissolve, like a puddle. A puddle can dry up and disappear. I wish I could dry my emotions up and disappear"

"But you can't," Damen said quietly. Laurent nodded slowly. "But I can't. I am learning now, to explore things. To enjoy the things I wish I had when I was little. I was a very shy child and rarely did anything without Auguste. When your childhood is taken from you, it weighs on you. You carry that sadness that there was a life you never got to live because it was taken away. But, I remember jumping in puddles with my mother. Before she died. I remember walking in the woods with her and she let me get my welly boots covered in mud. And she hugged me, I didn't know that would be the last time I hugged her. But I remember so clearly the joy in her face as she watched me" Damen leaned over, taking Laurent's hand and squeezing it. 

"Laurent, I love you"

"I love you too. I wanted to share it with you"

"Thank you"

"I'm not better, but I think I will be" Damen brought Laurent's hand to his lips, kissing it gently and pressing his hand to his heart. 

"I think you will be too, darling. Together?"

"Together." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All comments are appreciated!!


	5. Beautiful Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kalepa ta kala // Beautiful things are difficult

> ' _ And when you scream I'm not alright _
> 
> _ And throw my picture at the wall _
> 
> _ You were supposed to be my light _
> 
> _ And keep me safe against them all _
> 
> _ How could you leave me here you'll scream _
> 
> _ And louder, I'll scream back to you from that unknown _
> 
> _ And say _
> 
> _ I know you're strong enough, I know you're strong enough _ ' - The Amazing Devil.

Laurent sat on the chair looking into the arena, "Let your hips relax, stop tensing. Stop tensing Nicaise!" Laurent called, watching as Nicaise trotted Blue on a circle with Nikandros lunging the horse. "If you keep tensing it makes it more difficult, plus you make him tense. Relax your hips, more... more... alright, and walk" Laurent sighed, rubbing his temple. He still wasn't fully right, but he was getting better. He had began eating again, Damen put effort into their meals and he made small portions, sharing them with Laurent and telling him he gets a kiss for every bite he takes. And so Laurent began eating again, but it didn't mean he was better. 

He was just coping. 

Damen was true to his word and found him a therapist, who was highly recommended. and Laurent didn't mind him. But talking with a professional did seem the wiser option than continuing to scream at Damen.

Laurent didn't like screaming at Damen, and so he went to his therapy. Damen dropped him off and picked him up without failure. And always greeted him with a soft kiss and a tub of ice cream. 

And so Laurent found himself sitting on the platform Damen made so Laurent could still teach without having to move too much, watching Nicaise riding Blue while Nikandros lunged them. Nikandros, who had taken the shining to Jord, stayed around, claiming there was something about the yard he enjoyed.

Damen said Nikandros enjoyed working with the horses and rescuing them, and Laurent simply sighed. Sometimes, for all his intelligence, Damen really was oblivious. 

Laurent shifted, stepping off his platform and walking into the arena, standing beside Nicaise. "You are tensing too much"

"I don't like it"

"What?"

"The feeling. It's too bouncy." 

"That is why you need to relax, if you relax it opens your hips and so the bouncing doesn't hurt as much," Laurent explained, resting a hand on Nicaise's calf to try and correct his leg position and without missing a beat, Nicaise kicked Laurent square in the face, the stirrup iron hitting Laurent's nose with a soft crunch.

It always shocked Laurent how warm blood was. 

Laurent felt the blood gushing out of his nose, and instinctively tilted his head back. Nikandros stood there, mouth open and looking between the two.

"I think that is today's lesson over," Laurent managed to get out, looking at Nicaise. "You will put Blue away and then help Nikandros finish the stable"

"No"

"I will call Erasums and I will get him to collect you early. Do not be a brat, Nicaise. You had your lesson, go help Nikandros," Laurent said firmly, walking back to the house with blood still dribbling out of his nose. 

Laurent collapsed into his arm chair and closed his eyes, then something clicked in Laurent's head. He felt a shudder run up his spine, and he poked his head out to observe; watching as Nikandros put Blue away while Nicaise sat on the wall, hugging himself tight. 

Laurent knew he hadn't meant to hurt him, it had been a reflex. 

He grabbed his phone, dialling Erasums number.

"Laurent, hey. Need me to pick up Nic already?"

"No. Listen, Nicaise just kicked my face"

"Oh- Oh my god. Laurent, I am so so sorry-"

"Yes. Now, how much do you know of Nicaise's home situation?"

"A lot. I'm his social worker"

"So you know he's being abused?"

"Perhaps. This is private information, Laurent. I can't discuss this with you."

"No, Erasums. You can. Because I am his teacher and I need to know this. Does his mother know that it's his uncle?"

"His mother? Nicaise doesn't have a mother"

"What?"

"Nicaise doesn't have parents. His father killed himself and his mother left him so he lives with his uncle. Did he tell you he had a mother?"

"Yes. He told me Auguste fixed her goat"

"It's a fantasy he has to try and fit in with the kids, that goat was when we visited the clinic. Auguste asked Nicaise to assist him and Nicaise seemed to really took to him," Erasums explained and then sighing. "I'm really sorry about this Laurent"

"No I don't care. You need to get him out of the house"

"His uncle is his guardian, and Nicaise hasn't said that his uncle is abusing him"

"Hasn't said or you just haven't been able to find evidence?" Laurent asked, hesitantly touching his nose then flinching at the pain. "I tried to correct his leg position today and that's why he kicked me. He couldn't relax his hips because the bouncing movement hurt him, need I suggest how that pain came to be?"

"Look Laurent, it's really admirable that you care, but you really shouldn't get involved."

"No but see, I should. Nicaise is my student. I care for him. And his pain is preventing his growth with horses," Laurent said more firmly, still watching Nicaise who was talking quietly to Nikandros. 

"I'll see what I can do"

"He can stay with me"

"Nicaise is not a horse, Laurent. He's not a rescue that you simply put in a stable. There is paper work, there is inspections, Nicaise simply can't just stay with you"

"Then give me the paper work. I don't care. He cannot stay with his uncle, Erasums"

"Why do you care so much?" Because I want to prevent what happened to me happening to him, Laurent thought. I want to save him while there's still time, he thought but instead he remained silent, taking a deep breath.

"I just want to help. I care about him and I feel perhaps he would be happier here"

"I'll talk to Vannes then, and just get a feeling. But I'm not promising anything" 

~/~

When Damen came home, he found Laurent asleep in his arm chair with caked blood all over his face and two black eyes. He grabbed a clean clothe and some wipes, gently touching Laurent's finger tips. Lauren't woke with a small start but relaxing as soon as he saw it was Damen, tilting his head back. 

"What on earth happened?" Laurent opened one eye and sighed, groaning as he sat up slowly. "Nicaise kicked me in the face"

"Why?"

"I touched him without asking first," he explained, resting his chin in his hand as Damen began cleaning it. "I want him out of his house, Damen. I don't want him staying with his uncle."

"Where will he stay?"

"Here. I can protect him here," Laurent said fiercely, giving a slight nod. "He lied about his parents. He lives with his uncle, and he's being abused, Damen"

"Are you positive about this, darling?"

"I know it"

"That won't stand in the court of law, Laurent. You need evidence"

"What he says, how he acts, I was the same. I can- I can save him" Damen gently touched Laurent's cheek, brushing a thumb over his cheek bone. 

"Darling-"

"Don't try and talk me out of this, Damen. Nicaise needs out. I can save him. I can't just look away knowing what is being done to him!"

"And where will he stay? In the spare stable? Nikandros has the spare room-"

"Nikandros can stay with Jord. Maybe that will end the sexual tension between them. Nicaise can stay in the house. Nikandros has slept in worse, he went back packing through Australia. He can sleep in his own car if needs be and then I will pay him so he can rent a flat. Nicaise is staying here"

"I understand why you need to do this- no let me finish, Laurent - I understand why you need to do this. But have you considered it will cause him more pain and trauma if you take him away from his uncle now? When they have no evidence in court?"

"There is evidence. They just aren't looking hard enough"

"You're not a lawyer, Laurent"

"But I have been through it. I have been through that trail. I have been through that abuse. I would like to think I know the signs at this point," Laurent snapped. Damen took a deep breath, rubbing his face and looking at Laurent then out the window. 

"There is no talking you out of this?"

"No"

"You make my life so difficult sometimes, Laurent. I love you, but I am surprised my hair has not turned grey," he sighed but it was affectionate. He would not change it for the world. But some days he did wish that perhaps they could just have a calmer life. "Alright, I'll get in touch with Erasums then"

"Thank you"

"But I am not promising anything, Laurent. Just prepare for that," he said, giving his hand a squeeze. 

~/~

They had been granted a trail period of two weeks for the team to try and gather evidence. Laurent had kicked Nikandros off who did end up staying with Jord, and he tidied the room so that it looked semi-liveable for a young person of Nicaise's age. He put up some pictures of Comet and put a multi-colour lamp in the room, just little things to try and soften the room and make it nice and homely for Nicaise. 

He was proud of it, he was exhausted by the time he finished and didn't sleep the night before Nicaise arrive. He had it all planned in his head, Nicaise would arrive and it would just fall into place. The trail would happen, Nicaise's uncle would get life, Laurent would adopt Nicaise and he would have a better life.

That was not how it happened.

Laurent stood on the porch, waiting for Nicaise to arrive. He eventually did, and he arrived like a storm. He charged up to Laurent, pushing him hard. 

"How could you!"

"Nicaise?"

"They have taken him to prison! I can't see him anymore!"

"Nicaise, please-"

"You traitor. You took him away from me! This is your fault!" he screamed, throwing his bag at Laurent's feet, who stood speechless. At this moment, Damen emerged from the house with a batch of cookies and a 'Welcome Home' banner, "I made cookies! Oh," he said, looking at Laurent and Nicaise: Nicaise who was crying and Laurent who looked like he had sucked too sour a lemon.

"OK, so I think things are a little tense-"

"I hate you all!" Nicaise cried, storming into the house and into his room. Damen watched him go then turned to speak, but Laurent had already began walking away, going to ride Pig. 

~/~

Damen sat outside of Nicaise's room, sighing softly as he knocked it. "Hey kid, you alright?"

"Go away"

"I just want to chat, Nicaise. That's all. Can you tell me what got you so upset?"

"Laurent thinks he knows everything. But he doesn't. My uncle... he loves me! And Laurent is just jealous. He's jealous because his uncle doesn't love him anymore!" Damen sighed, shifting so he could get more comfortable. "Nicaise, Laurent really cares about you"

"No he doesn't"

"He does. You know, Laurent's uncle hurt him too"

"My uncle doesn't hurt me!" Nicaise opened his door, his face tear stained. Damen sighed, patting the space next to him for him to sit.

"He says he loves you though, right?" Damen asked softly. "But, I bet it really hurts. The things he does to you. And I think he's actually really cruel," Damen continued, keeping his voice calm. "Laurent cares because his uncle did the same thing"

"Oh?"

"Laurent's uncle hurt him too. He would leave Laurent for days, and not tell him where he went. And he would make Laurent do things, and that's really impacted his life now. Because nobody helped him," he explained calmly. Nicaise sniffed, scrunching up his face as he hugged his knees to his chest, "But he said he loves me," he whispered. Damen could hear how heavily those words weighted on him and he nodded sadly.

"They always do. They always say they love you. I know you want love, Nicaise. So how about you let me and Laurent give it to you for two weeks, yeah? Love isn't meant to hurt you, Nicaise. Love isn't meant to be painful"

"Why do you care?"

"Because I love Laurent, and I would do anything for him. That is what love is. It's brave, and it's scary, and it's hard work. But it's the most warmest feeling when you get it right," Damen explained. Nicaise sniffed, still rubbing his eyes.

"He's my only family"

"I know, kid. But now you have us. And you can call Nikandros your crazy wine aunt, and then you also have Auguste, and Jord. You can come with me to the vetinary clinic, how cool does that sound?"

"That sounds cool"

"And you can stay here, and help Laurent with all the horses. You just have to be brave for me," Damen said, extending his hand and letting Nicaise decide if he wanted to take it, not forcing him. "But you're not going to be in this alone, kid. Not anymore. You don't have to be scared," he said. Nicaise looked at him and then moved close, wrapping his arms around Damen and hugging him tight. 


	6. Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurent and Nicaise finally talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in which Laurent plays in this chapter is here https://youtu.be/MBOa-2b4uQQ and is one of my favourite classical pieces :) 
> 
> TW. Laurent finally tells Nicaise about his abuse. He shows Nicaise his scar on his wrist and discusses his suicide attempt, and his abuse, so proceed with caution.

> ' _Hot and fast and angry as she can be_  
>  _I walk my days on a wire._
> 
> _It looks ugly, but it's clean,_   
>  _Oh momma, don't fuss over me._
> 
> _The way she tells me I'm hers and she is mine_  
>  _Open hand or closed fist would be fine_  
>  _The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine_.' - Hozier 

Laurent had insisted that the house had a piano, yet Damen had no clue why. He knew some people enjoyed having pianos in the house purely for the aesthetic of it, and he thought perhaps that was the case with Laurent.

Then Damen woke up and heard the piano being played, the most beautiful and heart breaking melody Damen had ever felt. He stood at the doorway and listened, not opening and intruding. He felt the crescendo building, the swell of the music charging forward. Damen felt his heart stutter almost, and then it was over and Laurent stood at the doorway. 

"Where you scared to come in?"

"No. I didn't want to intrude," he said, looking at Laurent and kissing his nose. "I didn't know you played"

"It helps to play the piano if you dance, I taught ballet in the theatre and some days the musician didn't come in so I would play," he explained, walking out of his study and going into the kitchen. "Nicaise will be home soon, Auguste said he could spend the day at the clinic," he explained, pouring himself and Damen a cup of coffee.

"Is Auguste going to look at Comet while he's here?" Damen asked, Laurent answered with a nod, cutting some cake and then taking his seat and starting to read his paper. 

"Erasums was on the phone today, they said that they're getting good evidence now, and it's looking... hopeful," Laurent said, a ghost smile appearing on his lips but he smiled into his mug, as if trying to hide it.

Damen could see it. 

He reached over and gave Laurent's hand a squeeze, "It'll work out, darling. I'm sure," he said, bringing his knuckles up and kissing them. 

When Nicaise had first arrived, yes it had been difficult. Surprisingly, Laurent and Nicaise clashed heads often. Damen more than once having to sit between them and trying to keep neutral ground. If he agreed with Nicaise, Laurent kicked him out of bed and if he agreed with Laurent, Niciase put salt in his coffee, tea and frankly anything liquid that he drank. 

So Damen mastered compromise and neutral ground, ensuring everyone in the house felt heard and their opinion had been recognised. And yes, it was draining. But then Damen would come home to find Laurent sitting in his arm chair, going through a photo book with Nicaise sitting on the arm of the chair, or Nicaise showing Laurent how to paint his nails, or they would be riding together in the arena. Niciase had indeed taken to riding like a duck to water, in the few weeks of lessons he had already mastered how to canter and trot confidently.

But still no one had been able to ride Comet. 

Laurent didn't push it though. He gave Nicaise Dexter, the stocky Gypsy Vanner. The horse moved like a rocking chair, and would give Nicaise a challenge but not enough to make him nervous. Occasionally Dexter would buck or take off, but nothing serious and Nicaise learned how to ride it out while Laurent sat on his little platform and taught him. Together, they had a partnership and it made Damen happy.

Life was good. He had a family, filled with animals and love. And he could see the two bonding through their trauma. Through their grief at their loss of a childhood. Together. 

~/~

Nicaise arrived home in a storm, charging into the house and storming to his room and slamming the door shut for good measure. Laurent looked up from his book then looked at Auguste, raising an eyebrow. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Why is he upset?" 

"I didn't do anything. Laur. I just- I just said that the two weeks is almost up and does he hope to stay longer," Auguste said, suddenly becoming fascinated with his nails. Laurent threw his head back, he had had plans for a lovely quiet evening. He was going to have a bath, and watch a film, and then give Damen a nice night because he had been working so hard. But now, everything was out the window. Laurent sighed, looking at his brother.

"Did he at least have fun?"

"Yeah, he got to bottle feed the foal and help me with a few horses and goats. And I brought him out for lunch with Mari, and it was all round a good time"

"Until you brought up the two weeks"

"Yeah"

"Oh my god," Laurent groaned, getting up and tying his dressing gown. "Alright. Thank you darling brother for upsetting him"

"I'm sorry, Laurent," Auguste sighed, pouting at him and doing his dramatic eyes. "Don't be angry?"

"Bring me some chocolate cake tomorrow and I will think about it," Laurent said, making his way up to Nicaise's room.

"I love you Laurent!" Auguste called. 

"Fuck off!" he called back. He heard Auguste laughing as he left and rolled his eyes, gently knocking the door and walking into Nicaise's room. Nicaise was sat in the corner of the room, his knees hugged to his chest and pieces of paper scrunched up and scribbled over. Laurent walked in, picking up the sketch that he had done of Comet and smiling, tracing the lines. "I never could draw. I was too impatient. Auguste could draw, he always would sketch my pet fishes, but I only could draw stick people," he explained, sitting down on the floor opposite Nicaise. "Talk to me, Nic. I'll listen"

"You only wanted to keep me for two weeks and then get rid of me! Like one of your rescue horses, you'll find a better owner and just- just chuck me away! Because I'm too big of a problem, and you and Damen deserve a nice life were I'm not bothering you!" Nicaise sobbed, hugging himself tight. "I hate you all!" 

"I doubt that," Laurent said softly. "I think you want to hate us. Because that is the easier thing to do," Laurent shifted and turned so he was looking at the door instead of Nicaise, knowing he prefered not to be looked at when he was upset. "Have we ever said any of those things?" 

"You think them! I know you do"

"You are telepathic now?" 

"Stop it! Stop being so horrible to me!" Nicaise cried, hugging himself almost to breaking point. Laurent sighed, turning and gently unfolding him, at first Nicaise struggled but then he stopped, letting Laurent hold him. Laurent ran his fingers up and down Nicaise's back, tracing figures of eight. "Take a deep breath, Nicaise," he said quietly into his ear. He felt Nicaise do it, "Good. Now another one" Nicaise repeated and Laurent hummed. 

"Good. Nicaise, I am never going to toss you aside like one of my rescues. Because you deserve love. It is easy to hate us, and be bitter and be cruel. It is so much harder to be gentle and kind, and to love. I did not want to love anyone for a very long time, and it was... it was so lonely," Laurent whispered. "I was so lonely. And I was so bitter"

"Why?"

"Because somebody I trusted said they loved me. But his love came at a price, and his love only hurt me. So it was never really love to begin with, was it?" Laurent said, still tracing the shapes. "It was never love. Because all it brought me was pain. Erasums said you could stay here for two weeks, yes. Because they needed time to gather evidence against your uncle, Nicaise. He is somebody who has let anger and bitterness be the main thing he seeks, not love"

"But he said he loved me," Nicaise whispered back. Laurent pulled back, gently cupping Nicaise's face and brushing a tear away.

"I am so sorry, Nicaise. But that is not love. Because I was told the same thing, and," Laurent took a deep breath. "And my uncle abused me. I was a victim to his abuse. He took advantage of me, and he hurt me. So deeply, and then convinced me that it was my fault. And so I tried to kill myself," he said. "I tried to kill that part of me. That wanted his attention, that wanted him to notice me. Because to be noticed and be hurt was so much easier than to be no one and forgotten.

I will never forget the things he done to me. Sometimes, when I've been out too long with the horses and Damen moves too fast, I flinch. I cannot stand wine, the smell or the taste. I hate people touching my hair, I hate food, I am scared of rooms with no clear exit, I cannot have my head under water," He explained. He pulled the cuff of his sleeve up so Nicaise could see the roughened scar on his wrist, hesitantly Nicaise reached out and traced it. "I hated myself, because of what he had done. And blamed myself. And I saw that your uncle was trying to hurt you as well, Nicaise. And I had to stop it. I had to get you out. I know how much you love your uncle, and right now you will find this hard to understand. But one day, you'll understand fully. And it is going to hurt, but I- I will not leave you to bear that weight alone. I will protect you, for as long as you will let me," he whispered. Nicaise sniffed, wiping his eyes and shifting closer so he could hug Laurent, and Laurent opened his arms, wrapping them around him and holding him close to his chest. "I am sorry the world has treated you like this, but you are safe now. And I will fight for you to stay here, Nicaise. This is your home now" 

"But my uncle"

"He will get sent to prison. And he will not be allowed to contact you"

"But I love him"

"I know, darling. I know," Laurent pressed his head to Nicaise's. "I know you do. And its OK to love him, but soon you need to understand that what he did to you was wrong, and you shouldn't have had to go through it"

"You won't hurt me?"

"No, Nicaise. I will never hurt you," he breathed, and Nicaise tucked his head away, remaining in Laurent's arms who was still tracing the patterns on his spine. "You're safe here, darling. Safe at last"

~/~

Damen came home to find Laurent asleep on the floor of Nicaise's room with Nicaise wrapped around him like a koala, Nicaise's head tucked into the crook of Laurent's neck while Laurent rested his head on top of Nicaise's, both together and safe. Damen quietly lifted Nicaise, tucking him into bed with the cuddly alpaca that Mari had got him and then gently he nudged Laurent awake. Laurent opened his eyes slowly, rubbing his face and accepting Damen's help to stand, leaning against Damen as they walked to their room. Laurent sat down, letting Damen take off his socks and shoes and helping him get ready to bed. Damen helped Laurent under the covers, tucking him in and kissing his head. "Are you alright?" he asked softly.

"I can't let him go, Damen," Laurent whispered, still half asleep. "I can't let him go"

"No. He can stay, Laurent. He can stay"

"He needs to understand what love is," he yawned, curling up. Damen closed his eyes, swallowing. 

"Do you understand it now, darling?"

"Yes. I think I do. And I think it is quite nice. Good night Damen"

"Goodnight darling" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am also going on holidays for two weeks on Saturday and am not bringing my laptop because I won't have wifi just my phone data so come say hi on tumblr, let me know what you like or what you'd like to see happen :)


	7. Sunshine At Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Through fog and rain, the sun always shines eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter for this instalment, sorry!  
> I hope you enjoyed this, I will be back in two weeks with a brand new instalment focusing on Nicaise and his new life :)  
> See you all in two weeks!!   
> ** I know that the adoption process is extremely long and complex, but I was kinda just wrapping this up and skimmed over that, but I understand its a really hard process **

> ' _But I believe in Love_  
>  _And I know that you do, too_  
>  _And I believe in some kind of path_  
>  _That we can walk down, me and you_ ' - Nick Cave

Laurent had given Comet to Nicaise a few days later, sitting down and explaining to him that Comet was now his responsibility.

"But I can't ride him," Nicaise said and Laurent nodded. 

"For now you can't. You have to learn patience, build trust with him. He was abused before he came here, and so he needs to understand you're a friend not an enemy," Laurent explained, running a hand along Comet's neck. "He's good manners because he's scared to do otherwise. He over compensates. Then you try and ride him, and he can't defend himself anymore so he fights," he explained, giving Nicaise the lead rope. "Take him for a walk, every day. Always touch him, always talk to him, and he'll learn to trust you," he explained.

And so Laurent sat at the porch, watching as Nicaise walked Comet along up and down the lane and letting him graze occasionally. 

"Do you think he'll ride him?" Damen asked, sitting down next to him and taking his hand, gently brushing his thumb over Laurent's knuckles. Laurent hummed, rubbing his chin and looking at them. "I think he will eventually. I think Comet likes him a lot, and I think they have a good thing going," he said, looking back at Damen and lighting his cigarette. 

"Alright. I was chatting to Erasums and the case is looking strong. He's extended Nicaise's stay with us, the next option is... its adoption," he said quietly. Laurent shifted, holding Damen's gaze then looking back at the duo. 

"What do you think?"

"I want to give him a home, darling. I do. And I think him staying here could really benefit him in the long term. I think I would... I would like to adopt him," Damen said softly. Laurent hummed, "I think I would too," he whispered to Damen. "I like him here, and I want to help him with life. I told him that he's not a rescue. That we're not going to toss him aside. I think we need to discuss it with him and see what he wants to do," Laurent said. "I think it would be unfair to ask him to leave, but should he want to go, I won't hold him back." Damen sighed, shifting closer to him and wrapping his arm around his shoulders.

"Its ok if you want him to stay darling. It's ok if you want this"

"I'm not fit to be a parent. I don't want to make promises to him that I can't keep," Laurent said quietly. "I don't want to promise him a good life with us, I'm still not fully right, Damen. And raising a child in the middle of it-"

"Could help you, Laurent. It could help. Because I've seen how much you enjoy having him around the house"

"A child won't fix this. Nicaise won't fix this, and it's unfair to put that burden on him," Laurent said, looking at Damen and touching his cheek. "I appreciate what you're saying and it's true, I enjoy having him. But I..."

"I'm not going to force you. I understand it's a huge responsibility, just think about it, yeah?" Damen asked softly, kissing Laurent's temple. "Just think about it," he said softly. 

~/~

And so that was how Laurent found himself sat in his brothers house, looking at old photos of him and his parents. There was one of Laurent, ('Look how chubby your cheeks were!' Auguste sighed, and Laurent simply looked at him'). He looked at the photo of him and his parents, sitting on the swing set in the back garden. Auguste's horses were grazing in the background, Auguste was taking the photo. Laurent was squealing, his mother pushing while his father had his arms open ready to catch him. 

Laurent had been happy. 

He remembered the utter joy he felt with his parents. And the ache so deep in his bones at never getting a goodbye. 

"What's brought this on Laur?" Auguste asked softly, sitting opposite him and giving him a cup of tea. Laurent sighed, playing with the edge of it and not looking at Auguste.

"Erasums has said that adoption is on the tables for Nicaise," he said. He heard Auguste let out a breath, reaching over but Laurent pulled back.

"Don't touch me, please"

"What does Damen think?"

"He wants too. He thinks it'll help me. To have Nicaise around the house, but the weight of that. What if Nicaise found out? That we only kept him to see if it would help my depression? That would kill him," Laurent breathed, rubbing his face. "I just want Nicaise to be happy. And safe, and _love_ _d_ "

"Have you asked him what he wants?"

"Not yet" Auguste nodded, looking at the photo and smiling. "They loved you, very much. When you were born, it was a stormy stormy night. And mother was sick," he explained. "And I stayed at home with the nanny. And then a few days later you came home. This little bundle of sunshine. I know that you and father clashed. But mother, she adored you so much Laurent," he whispered. "And I think she would be so proud of you. To even consider adopting Nicaise. For wanting to give him a better life. A good life." Laurent sniffed, wiping his eyes harshly and taking a deep breath.

"What if I'm not good enough?"

"Laurent, you try so hard. You try so hard to please people you break yourself doing it. But just know this, what you do is enough. And whatever choice you make with Nicaise, it will work out"

"Would you not consider adopting him?" Auguste shook his head and sighing. "Not yet. Mari is on treatment to try and help her have kids and so we need to wait for that to work," he explained. "Plus I cannot give Nicaise what you can"

"And what's that?"

"Understanding. You understand what it is that he has endured. You understand his mind set. Like no one else does, and so there would be that barrier between myself and him" Laurent took a deep breath, sniffing again and trying his hardest not to cry. His heart ached, from the goodbye he did not get to say. For not being able to show her what he had created, this life for himself. Filled with love. 

"Laurent, you will do what is right. I know you will," he said, reaching over to touch Laurent;s hand and this time he let him. 

~/~

Laurent stood at the gate of the arena, watching as Nikandros explained to Nicaise how to lunge Comet. Nikandros was still here, he kept saying he's leaving tomorrow but that was a few days ago and he was still here, so Laurent had a strong suspicion he was lying. But Laurent did not hate having him at the yard. It was useful to have two stable hands now instead of just Jord. It meant work got done quicker and better so Laurent could focus on reschooling the horses.

"Look, Laurent!" Nicaise called, lunging Comet by himself and doing it well. He watched as Comet dropped his head, coming onto an outline and keeping one ear turned to Nicaise, listening to every instruction that the younger said.

"Very impressive, Nicaise. Relax your shoulders more... good. See how his movements now go forward? That's what you want, that's good" Laurent smiled, NIkandros looked at Laurent then took the hint, "I'm going to help Jord, I'll be back soon," he said, ruffling Nicaise's hair and then jogging out but stopping at Laurent.

"Don't be a dick to him"

"I pay your salary, watch what you say" Laurent responded with a kind smile, walking into the arena. He stood next to Nicaise and Comet, running a hand along the horse then looking at Nicaise. "We need to have a conversation"

"OK"

"And I need you to be honest, and open. I need you to tell me your thoughts, and we can discuss it together. Let Comet loose and just sit here with me. Alright, Damen has spoken to Erasums, and he would like us to consider adopting you," Laurent explained, looking at Nicaise. "But, it is a long process. There is lots of paper work and inspections and talking involved. I am willing to do it, as is Damen, if you want to consider this place a home" 

"You want to adopt me?"

"I do. I made you a promise, that you would have a good life and you would be safe. If you feel that perhaps, here is where you would have that, then I would be honoured if you choose to stay. However, if you feel that perhaps you want to move, I understand that too. Because there will be hard days, Nicaise. There will be days when I struggle and Damen is busy, but we will both support you and give you whatever you need," He explained, watching Comet trot around aimlessly. Nicaise shifted his weight, playing with his sleeve. 

"I like it here"

"Good. Could you grow to love it?" 

"I think I could. But, what about my uncle?"

"He will not be allowed anymore contact with you. He will be given a sentence in prison, and then no contact will be allowed"

"He'll be angry if I stay, Laurent."

"No, Nicaise. He does not control your life anymore. You are free and you are safe to make the choice you want too. If you want to stay here, I would be honoured. But if you think perhaps to move, then that is OK too. I would like to keep contact however, if you did choose that," Laurent answered. Nicaise hummed, looking at Comet and then the yard and back to Laurent.

"I like it here,"

"I like having you here"

"I'm scared of my uncle"

"I know. Sometimes the bravest thing to do though, is to take that risk into the unknown. I did it with Damen. And we've been together four years, and I wouldn't change it for the world" 

"And you're happy?"

"I am. There is more to life than what your uncle told you. There is people who will love you, cherish you, and be proud of you, no matter what you do" Laurent said, touching Nicase's shoulder. "I will be proud of you, no matter what you do"

"Then I think I would like to stay." 

~/~

When Laurent walked back into the house, and no one was around, Nicaise called Comet over. He spoke quietly, running his hand along his neck and talking to him constantly as he slowly climbed onto his back with no saddle, only the bridle. Nicaise sat there, perfectly still.

And this time, Comet didn't throw him off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi to me on tumblr in the mean time @midnight-wonder   
> I know the ending was a bit rushed, but I hope you all enjoyed it anyway. Leave your thoughts in the comments :)


End file.
